Wednesday, 30 May 2012

the hobbit home

good morning afternoon evening for wherever you guys are,

     I made it through another week and so I guess I can keep the blog going. This past week, my baby moved into position in my wife's belly, and of course, her ass is still beautiful, I fired 2 people and hired 2 others, sold thousands of litres, and I recovered from the stupid lost of the Lakers from this year's NBA playoffs. And, I learned some things about cob and hay bail building. And I learned, or was it listened, about perma culture as my wife proceeds to build our nest home on some hill side in the not so distant future. Yes things are looking up, and now my wife is somewhat obsessed about building our humble, and hobbit like home.
     It has always been a dream of mine, not to live in a hobbit hole mind you, but rather a home that's neatly tucked into the land, and also remain as part of the land. She has a lay out in her head of our dream house, and you guys should see the lay out that's in mine while she describes what she has planned. Thus far, I can see myself running half a block inside my own home, and this is if i find the right route through the maze, just to take a piss. Damn guys, the only thing I want is a hefner grotto in my bath, and maybe a good flushing shitter, but, that's about it. I hate plunging.
     Also, we have to build quickly I believe since the kid seems like he wants to come out early. The doctor says that he is huge. He is actually 5 weeks ahead of projection in terms of his size, and I keep making a joke to my wife that he will be close to 50 cm, the average for babies born being only 35 cm, and he should replace the whole defence of the Vancouver Canucks in another year. My wife also now thinks she has a huge ass, but i still think it's beautiful. She just rolled out of bed, i mean literally rolled out of bed, so I guess i have to talk to you guys another day.
    Please enjoy another week looking at that big bright object in the western skies.
    I guess i did not say much about the hobbit home after all. I'll fill you guys in as we lay down the foundation. This is also what happens when I get caught thinking about rolling around in the mud with my beautiful wife and her beautiful ass.


Saturday, 19 May 2012

the CSS CRIB 0917206686

hello fathers and future fathers out there,
     I'd just like to say that it is okay to end up with extra pieces of bolts and nuts, and part of the crib frame unused or unattached after putting together the baby's crib. "I wonder where these pieces go," is usually what I say after building something that came out a box anyway, so it's all normal.
     But I will make a complaint towards the instructional value of the pages that they have added in the box to help us fathers. So, there I was turning the piece of paper upside down, right side up, and even looking at the empty but rather soothing backside of the paper, and you know, James Bond himself would have taken it back to MI6 for an analyticity session with Q if he had the chance as it felt like I was building a mini space shuttle for the kid. Though it was in English, I still felt like using some early sign language that I learned as a teenager. Luckily, I'm not a frustrated guy.
    And so, after assembling the frames for all the sides, it was time to drop the piece where the mattress would lay, and wouldn't you know it, the instruction guy at the manufacturers must have been pissed off the day he laid down the plans for the CSS CRIB 0917206686, because it meant disassembling the whole structure again just so I can fit the piece inside. Then, I found myself in an inverted push up position just so my patient wife and her beautiful ass can help me line up the hinges to the holes they belong to. There is no way an overweight person could have done the job since one has to shimmy himself under the frame just so this piece can go in. Maybe the designer thought he/she was compensating more for the weightlessness that we would have in space, where I might say that a spacewalk would have made building this crib much easier.
     After the crib was done though, and I know that even a Klingon battle cruiser would have strayed clear away from it, I turned to my wife and said, "do you want to play dress-up."
     I love my wife because when other things come out of her mouth other than "no", she knows I'll always take it as a "yes." But, after assembling this piece of furniture that could be misconstrued as a part of the kinky side of our bedroom, I finally succumbed to the Romulan head and chest cold that hit our region almost a week ago.
     We're adding the holo-deck next week. Make sure to have an L shape screw driver if you don't feel like disassembling the mini-cruiser just so you can get the mattress base inside.
      I hope this kid will uncover one day, that I have gone into uncharted territories just so I can bring back the tools to build his first spaceship.
      We are off to Home Depot, just to find and L shaped screwdriver, and for a bolt that needs replacing since the manufacturer decided it was funny to make a 2 hour building project last for more than one day.


Thursday, 17 May 2012

the potty inside

   What a glorious day it was in Vancouver and I'm trying to close out my day beside my beautiful wife, and her beautiful ass, and you know, pregnant women can send any conversation into weird tangents. It goes to nightmares, to ex-foliation, to breast feeding bras, and then to defecation.
    I actually forgot that these little humans inside our women, have the ability to piss and shit. There is evidently a potty inside all of our women. What a revelation this is as I will never look at pregnant women in the same fashion as I once did.
   "Where does it go then hon?" I asked my wife as my head explodes into Homerian Simpson like possibilities.
   "Nowhere, it just sits there and the placenta help to filter out the toxins." I woke her up for that answer. I needed to know.
   "You mean to say women got months of urine and sometimes poop inside them for several months?"
   "Yup," she said this as casually as terayaki sauce goes on rice.
  Wow. I would have never guess a Johnny on the Spot built for the unborn, but here it is, evidence to how amazing women's bodies are, apart from there hinged hips.
   I wonder if twins have their own little potty spot. Or do they argue by kicking and punching each other when one makes more of a mess of the place than the other.
   It's been said time and time again that we all have to learn something new every day, and you know, though the conversation started being all about shit, this last piece of education is better than any shit that happened to me out there today. I love you hon.
   I'm definitely glad it will be the doctor standing in front of her when the baby finally decides to shit and piss out here.


ps: she just woke up for my reading of this latest insertion, and she just said, that "it's normal for women to shit and piss while giving childbirth. It shows women that they are pushing in the right direction."
Now I'm really glad it's the doctor that's standing in front, since I've already taken my fair share of farts.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012


      I do not know a damn thing about it. I've been parented, but have never been the parent. So......what, do I do now? The last part was said real slow like.
      I know one thing, I'm really good at giving massages these days, and I know what colostrum means, and the other day, my beautiful wife and her beautiful ass, were looking at comical diagrams of what to expect in terms of the "world of poop." In a month or so, if time willing, I will also start learning sign language, just so I know the proper meaning of what my fingers are projecting. Other than just knowing the words "peace" or "fuckoff", I'd be able to say whole phrases like "stop pissing on me little shit" or "does anyone know who won the basketball game?" Either way, it seems my fingers now only know basic English such as "come" or "that way" or "this way?". I guess I know enough to get by.
      I can't wait to smell "poop" in the morning.
      I can't wait to trip over toys in the hall way.
      I can't wait to have somebody picking my nose while I sleep.
      I can't wait to start my sleep disorder.
      I can't wait to tell someone that this blonde kid is actually my child.
      I can't wait for one of my fingers to be almost bitten off.
      I also can't wait going through the whole drawer until I find "the shirt I like."
      Above all, I can't wait to turn meanings of words into something else as it would bother my wife endlessly as she corrects the child.

    Yup, these are definitely interesting times, because even though Tulkas won't be out for another couple of months, he already has more pairs of shoes than I do.
     As you can see, I have much to learn and experience on this front and so if anyone with any advice or comment about what I'm to expect in the coming months, then please feel free to share them with me and my wife.


Wednesday, 9 May 2012

conscientious rant

Good morning folks.... It's a beautiful day in Vancouver because the rains has abated and left us with a sunny day. This blog of course is suppose to be all about sharing my new experiences concerning my newly born son, but since he won't be out of the womb for a another couple of months, I figure I'll take this moment now to rant about something I'm concerned about. An eatery on Nanaimo St. that has the communities support because of its "cheap" food, but this establishment has no remorse when it comes down to what it feeds its patrons.
     Does everyone know that the meat that they are eating has actually been fed "Grease" to fatten them up, as part of their daily diet. Animals eat plants, not grease. It's obvious that most restaurant owners cannot avoid the current system of feeding livestock and then, "some unknowingly" serve meat fattened by grease that come out of their establishments. But, the owner's that are aware, and also have been approached to at least be more conscientious to where their grease refuse end up, does not deserve the support of its current patrons, nor any future ones either. Also, this place almost encourages its customers not to take "a bath" for days, this way the waft of "bad food" is masked by its feeders. Also, it makes me feel like I'm in a smelly, and a bad Pearl Jam video from the 90's.
       Wake up folks. Pay the extra, and maybe you'll even step on a floor that has been doused with a cleaning agent.
        If these cheap eateries does decide to at least educate themselves about the current availabilities of other resources to dispose of their daily grease build-up and in turn be a contributor to a better BC, then maybe, maybe, I shall eat at this place once again. Also, folks let us all take a bath since I could barely smell my bacon the last time I was there.
       The hope of this rant is to at least have a few people ask the current ownership what he/she does with its grease. The community has already turned this idiot into a rich bastard, the least he could do is at least contribute some back to the community in terms of cleaner air, and definitely cleaner food.
       So, those that want to frequent such establishment because of its "cheap" offerings, at least take the time to ask the owner where his grease ends up, or at least take a bath once in a while.
       Good eating folks......................  or maybe just go to the market, at least this way you know what is in the food that you eat.


Thursday, 3 May 2012

the wait

       Good day to all of you and I'd like to thank all the people that has taken the time to read what I've had to say thus far. As I have said before, this blog was created solely to share some of my experiences as a new father, but thus far I've had to settle for kicks to the head as I lay my head on wife's belly. The little dragon has at least 2 or 3 months left in the belly before he announces himself to this world, and me, I've been waiting for this little dude for over twenty years. Just to remind everyone, this is also the year of the Dragon.
       And so, here I wait as this little dragon mature's in his mother's womb and already, he's messing with our sex life. You see, he loves to kick away inside the belly while we are exercising (sort of speak), of which isn't any great comfort to my beautiful wife, and her beautiful ass. I believe my first purchase for this little dragon will be a soccer ball as he is already bending it like Ronaldo. I love soccer or football for UK folks, so I hope that he will love it too. Go Arsenal. If any of my relatives are reading this, a cute little Arsenal toque would be awesome. Just a little hint guys, the baby registry is with Baby R Us. Okay, that's enough mooching for baby gifts but I do thank you if 2 Arsenal toques came in the mail. You know, one small and one large. Also, Laker shirts would be more than ample as substitute and again one small, and one large. I love basketball as well.
      As you can see already, I do want my little dude to be a future athlete, and I've taken to whispering into my wife's belly to "crush anyone to the boards as they try to go by him." This of course is a Hockey term and I would not mind seeing him take up this sport as well because after-all, he is a Canuck or a Leaf in the end. Maybe he can work in tandem on defence with his new cousin Kai, who is already built like an Ox. Well, lot's to dream about for now I guess.
      This morning, as I rolled over wanting some exercise, the little dragon wanted to sleep some more with his mommy, and so here I am writing into this blog, dreaming of lots of time to exercise when he is finally out of the womb. Thanks again.


Tuesday, 1 May 2012

the woman

hello again.... I survived the palak paneer and I found a new dish we can add to our every other Tuesday line-up.
     Today, I figure that I should share a little bit about my beautiful pregnant wife, and her beautiful ass. She is a platinum blonde with an IQ of 178. It sort of like walking, and sleeping with Wikipedia at the tip of my fingers. Luckily, she does not devote herself to psychic-dom or she would know just way too much. She knows when I sneak in a glass of milk now and then, or the fact that my ass does not know how to lie. When you're lactose intolerant, you're ass actually announces to the world how happy your system is.
     Meanwhile, here she is, 6 months into her pregnancy and she is more beautiful than the day I met her. No seriously. She is absolutely stunning, apart from the fact that she is a "trophy" wife because guys, my wife is twenty years younger than me. Yes people, I am over forty and loving every minute, and every ounce of my wife. This is the first time in my life where I'm actually rushing to get home just so I can have a bath.
     Now, about her pregnancy, or pregnancy period. I guess I had a really weird view of how my wife would just pump out two kids, sort of like the snap of a finger, and lickity split, I'm a father. But noooooo, no one told me that it would be the equivalent to climbing Kilimanjaro or the Himalayas, and 1 000 000 massages that go along with it. I was raised by 4 women, and not a hint came to me at all about these massages. Thankfully, though she has gained her necessary pounds during this period, she does not mind giving the massages.
     Just joking guys of course. I give the massages guys, and I've even taken time to watch YouTube and some midwife just so I can give the proper massage to my lovely woman.
     She loves food, and I believe I fell in-love with her by the time she ate the fifth piece of pizza in front of me. Though she can eat like one of the offensive line men in football, she "was" a waif at 120 pounds before she became pregnant. She loves to read "mangas" (Japanese stories to some), and all sorts of cookbooks. Our dinner table gets to travel to different parts of the world every night. She just loves basil too much sometimes. But, I'm not complaining.
     I'll share more of what I can in the near future about her beautiful ass, but for now, I believe she deserves breakfast in bed this morning.
Oh and here is a couple of links for those who want to massage their woman: